Jokes

[Hemant]

SARDARJI RETURNS

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken..
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.


At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup....

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

[CopyCat]

1. A Foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

[Malik]

A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot… The rabbit says “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!” The lion answers….. …..
“That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s high on cocaine!”




A man stops to ask directions from a farmer sitting on his porch and is amazed to see a three-legged pig sitting at the farmer’s feet. “That’s a weird-looking pig,” the man says. The farmer is furious. “Don’t you ever say anything bad about this pig!” he says. “Just last week my wife and I were sleeping, and a fire broke out. This pig dragged us both to safety. Last month a robber broke into the house. The pig knocked him down, dialed 911 with his snout and sat on him until the police arrived. So don’t ever say anything bad about him.”
“I’m sorry,” the man says. “But what’s the deal with the three legs?”
“Mister,” the farmer says, “a pig like this you don’t eat all at once.”

[Malik]

Why*did Santa keep the door open while bathing?*
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.
*
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .
*
Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...*
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.**

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .
*
Pappu while filling up a form: What should I write against mother tongue.?*
Santa: Very long...!*

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .
*
Santa: I have swallowed a Key.*
Doctor: When?*
Santa: 3 months back!*
Doctor: What were you doing till now?*
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have*lost*

[CopyCat]

प्रेमिका - ''प्रिये, अगर मैं तुम्हारे साथ शादी न करूं तो क्या तुम आत्महत्या कर लोगे ?''
प्रेमी - ''इसमें पूछने की क्या बात है ! मैं तो हमेशा यही करता हूं।''


एक महिला ज्योतिषी के पास अपना भविष्य जानने पहुंची।
ज्योतिषी : तीन माह बाद आपके पति का साया आपके सिर से उठ जाएगा।
महिला : लेकिन उन्हें मरे हुए चार वर्ष बीत चुके हैं।
ज्योतिषी : अच्छा, तो फिर आप पर आपके पिता की छत्रछाया नहीं रहेगी।
महिला : उन्हें गुजरे हुए भी कई साल बीत गए हैं।
ज्योतिषी : तब आप अपने बड़े भाई की छत्रछाया से वंचित हो जाएंगी।
महिला : लेकिन महाराज, मैं तो अपने मां-बाप की इकलौती संतान हूं।
ज्योतिषी : तो फिर आपका छाता जरूर खो जाएगा।



एक मशहूर समाचार पत्र में छपने वाले साप्ताहिक भविष्यफल की बानगी :
प्रथम सप्ताह - इस हफ्ते आपके जीवन में कोई अनोखी खुशी दस्तक देने वाली है। अचानक धनप्राप्ति के भी योग बन रहे हैं। पूरा सप्ताह मौजमस्ती में गुजरेगा। स्वास्थ्य उत्तम रहेगा।
द्वितीय सप्ताह - इस सप्ताह आप एक नई और अद्भुत शक्ति अपने भीतर महसूस करेंगे। वाणी पर नियंत्रण रखने से शत्रुपक्ष की पराजय सुनिश्चित है। प्रेम के मामले में भाग्यशाली रहेंगे।
तृतीय सप्ताह - रोमांस के लिए यह समय आपके लिए शुभ रहेगा। इस हफ्ते कोई सुंदरी आपके जीवन में प्रवेश करने वाली है। इस सुंदरी का सानिध्य आपके लिए सफलताओं के नए द्वार खोल सकता है।
चतुर्थ सप्ताह - इस समय आप स्वयं को ठगा-सा महसूस करेंगे। आपको अचानक आभास होगा कि कोई लगातार पिछले तीन सप्ताह से आपको बेवकूफ बना रहा है।



एक महिला ने अपनी सहेली को जानकारी दी कि वह चौथी बार शादी करने जा रही है।
''बधाई हो!'' सहेली ने खुशी प्रकट करते हुये कहा और पूछा - ''वैसे तुम्हारे पहले पति की मृत्यु कैसे हुई थी?''
''जहरीला खाना खाने से'' महिला ने उत्तर दिया।
''राम राम राम! बेचारा.....!'' सहेली ने अफसोस जाहिर करते हुये कहा ''और दूसरे पति की ?''
''जहरीला खाना खाने से''
''हे भगवान! दूसरे की मौत भी उसी तरह हुई! तीसरा भी शायद जहरीला खाना ............!''
''नहीं, नहीं ! तीसरे की मौत तो गर्दन टूटने से हुई।''
''गर्दन टूटने से?''
''हां! उसने जहरीला खाना खाने से इनकार जो कर दिया था।''

[Master]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".


The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.......*

[Expert]

1) Laloo enters a shop and shouts, “Where’s my free gift with this oil?”
Shopkeeper: “Iske Saath koi Gift nahin hai, Lalooji”
Laloo : Ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE “

2) A reporter asked Laloo “What is the main reason for divorce?”
Laloo replies “Marriage”.

3) Once Laloo was coming out of the Airport. As there was a Huge
rush, the security guard told Laloo “WAIT PLEASE”, for which Laloo
replied “85 Kgs” and moved on…

4) Laloo’s family planning policy : DON’T HAVE MORE THAN TWO
CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR

5) At a bar in New York , the man to Laloo’s left tells the
bartender, “JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE.” And the man’s companion
says, “JACK DANIELS, SINGLE.” The bartender approaches Laloo and
asks, “AND U sir?” Laloo replies: “LALOO YADAV, MARRIED.”

[Lethal]

Old Fella: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Old Fella: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.
*


Old Fella: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Old Fella: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new
*

Old Fella: Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Old Fella: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- “1 Miss Call".
*

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Old Fella: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.
*
Old Fella attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Old Fella: If U give me the address I will go there sir.
*
Old Fella in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Old Fella: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"
*

Old Fella: Doctor! My Son swallowed a key
Doctor: When?
Old Fella: 3 Months Ago
Dr: Wat were u doing till now?
Old Fella: We were using duplicate key
Dr: So why did you come today?
Old Fella: We lost the duplicate key!!

[Kill_cat]

Interviewer:
what is your birth date?
Old Fella: 13th October
Which year?
Old Fella: Oye @#$ _ _ _ EVERY YEARl


**********************************

Manager asked to Old Fella at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 15 letters in it?
Old Fella replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.


**********************************



After returning back from a foreign trip, Old Fella asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Old Fella: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?


**********************************


One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Old Fella: Any great man born in this village???
Old Fella: no sir, only small Babies!!!


**********************************

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Old Fella writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.


**********************************

When Old Fella was travelling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror.. Old Fella shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back... I will drive.


**********************************

Interviewer: just imagine you are in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Old Fella: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

[CONFUSED]

Boy to a Girl: Tu hi to jannat meri,Tu hi meraa junoon,
Or kuch naa jaanu main, Bas itnaaa hi jaanu,
tujhme rab dikhtaa hai, Yaaraa main kyaaa karoon????

Angry Girl responded: Mathaa Tek aur Daffaa ho jaaa.....