Jokes

[Sanjay]

Here is a example(!) of Performance Pressure In Engineering Design Firms::::

Poultry farm ke malik ne tammam Murgiyon ko Order diya "Agar tum logon ne kal se Do -- Do ande nahi diye to kal se tumhara dana pani band "


Murgiya dar gayi ...sab ne do do ande diye magar ek murgi ne sirf ek anda diya "


Malik "tum ne 1 anda hi kyon diya ..




..

..


Jawab mila.

..

...

"Sir ye aapke dar ki wajah se diya hai waise main to Murga hoon"

[Investorboy]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up
and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she
will have to go and sit in the back
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and
I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will
have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and
I'm staying right here!"

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use And that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm
sorry - I had no idea,' gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy
section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.


The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

[Investorboy]

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;


My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.



Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366



Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours



Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.



Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e . 1/3(one third)



Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)



Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir



Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days



Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.



Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days



Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!



Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!



Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!



Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.




Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR=HIGH RISK

[rohit]

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, 'Did God make me?'
'Yes,' the grandpa replied.
'Did God make you too?'
'Yes,' the grandpa said.
'Well,' the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, 'He sure is doing a better job nowadays!'


Two small boys met during their first day at school.
'My name is Billy. What's yours?' asked the first boy.
'Tommy,' replied the second.
'My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?' asked Billy.
Tommy replied, 'My Daddy's a lawyer.'
'Honest?' asked Billy.
'No, just the regular kind,' replied Tommy.


Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby-sitter when 6 year old Kyle said, 'You can't sit in Daddy's seat!'
'Daddy's not home,' the babysitter replied. 'Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss.'
Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, 'If you're the boss, you sit over there -- in Mommy's chair!'

[PolicyWala]

नाम पर मत जाइए, सर

ग्राहक चिल्लाया :' वेटर , मैंने आलू का परांठा ऑर्डर किया था , लेकिन इस परांठे में तो आलू का एक भी टुकड़ा नज़र नहीं आ रहा। '
वेटर बोला : ' नाम पर मत जाइए , सर। अगर आप कश्मीरी पुलाव मांगते, तो फिर आप कहते कि उसमें कश्मीर नज़र नहीं आता !'

_____________________________________________

भिखारी

भिखारी : साहब 12 रुपये दे दो, कॉफी पीनी है।
आदमी : लेकिन कॉफी तो 6 रुपये की है?
भिखारी : साहब गर्लफ्रेंड भी तो है।
आदमी : भिखारी होकर भी गर्लफ्रेंड बना ली।
भिखारी : नहीं साहब, गर्लफ्रेंड ने भिखारी बना दिया!

_____________________________________________


डॉक्टर-नर्स

हूं मैं डॉक्टर जहां,
मेरी वाइफ है नर्स वहां,
ये कैसा जुल्म सहना पड़ा,
अपनी वाइफ को भी मुझे सिस्टर कहना पड़ा.

_____________________________________________


50 पैसे में खाना!

भिखारी (कंजूस से)- 50 पैसे दे दो भैया, मैंने तीन दिन से खाना नहीं खाया है।
कंजूस (भिखारी से)- 10 रुपये दूंगा, पहले ये तो बता 50 पैसे में खाना कहां मिलता है।

_____________________________________________

माचिस की तीली
एक आदमी तीली जला रहा होता है, पहली जलाता है नहीं जलती। दूसरी जलाता है नहीं जलती। तीसरी जलाता है जल जाती है वह उसे बुझा कर कहता है कि ये काम की है रख लेता हूं।

_____________________________________________

झूठ...

घर में प्रवेश करते ही संता ने देखा, उसके दोनों बेटे आपस में बहस कर रहे थे...
संता ने पूछा, किस बात पर बहस कर रहे हो...?
एक बेटा बोला, पापा, हमें सौ रुपये का नोट पड़ा मिला... हमने तय किया है कि जो सबसे बड़ा झूठ बोलेगा, सौ रुपये उसी के...
संता ने अफ़सोस जताते हुए कहा, तुम लोगों को शर्म आनी चाहिए... जब मैं तुम्हारी उम्र का था, तो जानता भी नहीं था कि झूठ क्या होता है...?
बेटों ने बिना कुछ बोले सौ रुपये का नोट संता को दे दिया...

_____________________________________________


आंख शराबी की...

एक शराबी नेत्रदान करने गया...
काउन्टर पर बैठे क्लर्क ने पूछा, क्या तुम कुछ कहना चाहते हो...?
शराबी ने कहा, ये आंखें जिसे भी लगाओ, उसे बता देना, दो पैग लगाने के बाद ही खुलती हैं...

_____________________________________________

सिर्फ एक बीड़ी!

डॉक्टर (मरीज से)- तुम कितनी बीड़ी पीते हो?
मरीज (डॉक्टर से)- जी, एक दिन में करीब 20 बीड़ी।
डॉक्टर- यदि मुझसे इलाज कराना है, तो इतनी सारी बीड़ी पीने से परहेज रखना होगा। आज से ही एक नियम बना लो कि सिर्फ भोजन के पश्चात ही एक बीड़ी पियोगे।
मरीज ने डॉक्टर की बात सुनकर इलाज कराना शुरू कर दिया। कुछ महीने के बाद मरीज का स्वास्थ्य एकदम सुधर गया।
डॉक्टर- देखा, मेरे बताए परहेज से तुम्हें कितना स्वास्थ्य लाभ हुआ।
मरीज- लेकिन डॉक्टर साहब, एक दिन में 20 बार भोजन भी कोई सरल कार्य नहीं है।

[Amit Kaushik]

Nurse : congrats sir, you are a father.

Sir : don't tell my wife, i want to surprise her!

_________________________________

Shortest love story

He : Will you marry me?

She : No

And he LIVED happily ever after.


____________________________________


Film Director: U have to jump into a swimming pool from 100ft

Debut hero: But i dont know swimming sir?

Film Director: dont worry there is no water...!

Debut Hero: Then ok i am ready

_________________________________

Customer : Waiter, do you serve pigs?

Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

_________________________________

1st person : Hey do u know that girl who is going there is deaf ....

2nd person : Oh is it ???? how do u know ????

1st person : Yesterday i went and told her : I luv u and she replied by shoe size is 7

2nd person : How sad...she looks so beautiful but she is deaf....: o: cool:

[mayank]

1) Tere Pyaar Mein Paagal Ho Gaya Peter ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Tere Pyaar Mein Paagal Ho Gaya Peter ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
.
Ab Hero Honda Splendor, 80 km Prati Litre .. !!


2) Bahaar Aane Se Pehle Fizaa Aa Gayii ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Bahaar Aane Se Pehle Fizaa Aa Gayii ...
.
.
Waah! Waah
.
.
.
Phool Ko Khilne Se Pehle Bakri Kha Gayii .. !!

3) Aatma Chhod Gayii Shareer Puraana ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Aatma Chhod Gayii Shareer Puraana ...
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
.
Didi Tera Devar Deewana .. !!


4) Saap Ne Piya Bakri Ka Khoon ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Saap Ne Piya Bakri Ka Khoon ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
.
Good Afternoon! Good Afternoon! Good Afternoon!!


5) Yashomati Maiyya Se Bole Nandlala ...
.
.
.
Yashomati Maiyya Se Bole Nandlala ...
.
.
.
.
.
"Maa, Tata Sky Laga Daala To Life Jhingalala ..!!"


7) Hoton Pe "Haan" Hai ...
Dil Mein "Naa" Hain ...
.
.
.
.
Hoton Pe "Haan" Hai ...
Dil Mein "Naa" Hain ...
.
.
.
.
Shashi Kapoor Kehta Hai: "Mere Paas Maa Hai ..."


8)2 Cockroach Gaana Gaa Rahe Thhe : "Aashiq Banaaya
Aapne" ...
.
.
.
Dono Marr Gaye ...
.
.
.
.
.
Because Gaana "HIT" Tha ...


9) Aapki Surat Mere Dil Mein Aise Bass Gayii Hai ...
.
.
Aapki Surat Mere Dil Mein Aise Bass Gayii Hai ...
.
.
.
Jaise Chhote Se Darwaaze Mein Bhens Phass Gayii Hai .. !!


10) Premika: "Aisa Khatt Likho Sajna, Ki Meri Umar Beet
Jaaye Padhne Mein ... "
.
.
.
Premi: "$@# % #$ @ $ %#$ &&*
!@#@ &&*( )(&% %#$% %#$%#$
!#@!# ?<>":::<< $%^$% %#%"
@#@#!! ?>#$%^> $#$%&<<
#%$%""}}+ !@??>": @@#$$$?:@
!@#@ &&*( )(&% %#$% %#$%#$
!#@!# ?<>":::<< $%^$% %#%"!!



Le Padh !!!"

[JindalGaurav]

1) Two friends meet.
'Friend 1'asks the other guy: How's your wife
'Friend 2' : Great. I gave her a white pearl necklace. Ans she hasn't spoke to me for a month
Friend 1: What. Why is that so?
Friend 2: That was the part of the deal...

2)Theorem: 3=4
Proof:
Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

3) Once I came upon this pretty new girl in our office standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face.
I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?"
I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder.
She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?"
She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"

4) Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.

5) Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

[Raghuraj]

Teacher to Boy :
Kal absent kyon the tum ??
Boy : Ma'am, aap ke kehne par,
main
"The Dirty Picture" dekhne gaya
tha .. ....
Teacher : Kya ??
... Maine aisa kab kaha tumse???
Boy : Ma'am, aap hi ne toh kaha
tha na
.
.
.

ki
.
.

"VIDYA" me man lagao...

[Master]

A Girl in a book shop..

Girl: Do u have the book named"Girls are very Intelligent"?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Salesman:"The comedy section is on the Left side...