Jokes

[Sanjay]

Here is a example(!) of Performance Pressure In Engineering Design Firms::::


Poultry farm ke malik ne tammam Murgiyon ko Order diya "Agar tum logon ne kal se Do -- Do ande nahi diye to kal se tumhara dana pani band "


Murgiya dar gayi ...sab ne do do ande diye magar ek murgi ne sirf ek anda diya "


Malik "tum ne 1 anda hi kyon diya ..




..

..


Jawab mila.

..

...

"Sir ye aapke dar ki wajah se diya hai waise main to Murga hoon":):):p

[Investorboy]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up
and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she
will have to go and sit in the back
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and
I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will
have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and
I'm staying right here!"

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use And that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm
sorry - I had no idea,' gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy
section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.


The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

[Investorboy]

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;


My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.



Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366



Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours



Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.



Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e . 1/3(one third)



Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)



Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir



Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days



Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.



Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days



Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!



Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!



Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!



Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!



Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.

:D:)


Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR=HIGH RISK :eek:

[rohit]

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, 'Did God make me?'
'Yes,' the grandpa replied.
'Did God make you too?'
'Yes,' the grandpa said.
'Well,' the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, 'He sure is doing a better job nowadays!'


Two small boys met during their first day at school.
'My name is Billy. What's yours?' asked the first boy.
'Tommy,' replied the second.
'My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?' asked Billy.
Tommy replied, 'My Daddy's a lawyer.'
'Honest?' asked Billy.
'No, just the regular kind,' replied Tommy.


Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby-sitter when 6 year old Kyle said, 'You can't sit in Daddy's seat!'
'Daddy's not home,' the babysitter replied. 'Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss.'
Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, 'If you're the boss, you sit over there -- in Mommy's chair!'

:rolleyes::p :D

[PolicyWala]

नाम पर मत जाइए, सर

ग्राहक चिल्लाया :' वेटर , मैंने आलू का परांठा ऑर्डर किया था , लेकिन इस परांठे में तो आलू का एक भी टुकड़ा नज़र नहीं आ रहा। '
वेटर बोला : ' नाम पर मत जाइए , सर। अगर आप कश्मीरी पुलाव मांगते, तो फिर आप कहते कि उसमें कश्मीर नज़र नहीं आता !'

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भिखारी

भिखारी : साहब 12 रुपये दे दो, कॉफी पीनी है।
आदमी : लेकिन कॉफी तो 6 रुपये की है?
भिखारी : साहब गर्लफ्रेंड भी तो है।
आदमी : भिखारी होकर भी गर्लफ्रेंड बना ली।
भिखारी : नहीं साहब, गर्लफ्रेंड ने भिखारी बना दिया!

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डॉक्टर-नर्स

हूं मैं डॉक्टर जहां,
मेरी वाइफ है नर्स वहां,
ये कैसा जुल्म सहना पड़ा,
अपनी वाइफ को भी मुझे सिस्टर कहना पड़ा.

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50 पैसे में खाना!

भिखारी (कंजूस से)- 50 पैसे दे दो भैया, मैंने तीन दिन से खाना नहीं खाया है।
कंजूस (भिखारी से)- 10 रुपये दूंगा, पहले ये तो बता 50 पैसे में खाना कहां मिलता है।

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माचिस की तीली
एक आदमी तीली जला रहा होता है, पहली जलाता है नहीं जलती। दूसरी जलाता है नहीं जलती। तीसरी जलाता है जल जाती है वह उसे बुझा कर कहता है कि ये काम की है रख लेता हूं।

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झूठ...

घर में प्रवेश करते ही संता ने देखा, उसके दोनों बेटे आपस में बहस कर रहे थे...
संता ने पूछा, किस बात पर बहस कर रहे हो...?
एक बेटा बोला, पापा, हमें सौ रुपये का नोट पड़ा मिला... हमने तय किया है कि जो सबसे बड़ा झूठ बोलेगा, सौ रुपये उसी के...
संता ने अफ़सोस जताते हुए कहा, तुम लोगों को शर्म आनी चाहिए... जब मैं तुम्हारी उम्र का था, तो जानता भी नहीं था कि झूठ क्या होता है...?
बेटों ने बिना कुछ बोले सौ रुपये का नोट संता को दे दिया...

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आंख शराबी की...

एक शराबी नेत्रदान करने गया...
काउन्टर पर बैठे क्लर्क ने पूछा, क्या तुम कुछ कहना चाहते हो...?
शराबी ने कहा, ये आंखें जिसे भी लगाओ, उसे बता देना, दो पैग लगाने के बाद ही खुलती हैं...

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सिर्फ एक बीड़ी!

डॉक्टर (मरीज से)- तुम कितनी बीड़ी पीते हो?
मरीज (डॉक्टर से)- जी, एक दिन में करीब 20 बीड़ी।
डॉक्टर- यदि मुझसे इलाज कराना है, तो इतनी सारी बीड़ी पीने से परहेज रखना होगा। आज से ही एक नियम बना लो कि सिर्फ भोजन के पश्चात ही एक बीड़ी पियोगे।
मरीज ने डॉक्टर की बात सुनकर इलाज कराना शुरू कर दिया। कुछ महीने के बाद मरीज का स्वास्थ्य एकदम सुधर गया।
डॉक्टर- देखा, मेरे बताए परहेज से तुम्हें कितना स्वास्थ्य लाभ हुआ।
मरीज- लेकिन डॉक्टर साहब, एक दिन में 20 बार भोजन भी कोई सरल कार्य नहीं है।

[mayank]

1) Tere Pyaar Mein Paagal Ho Gaya Peter ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Tere Pyaar Mein Paagal Ho Gaya Peter ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
.
Ab Hero Honda Splendor, 80 km Prati Litre .. !!


2) Bahaar Aane Se Pehle Fizaa Aa Gayii ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Bahaar Aane Se Pehle Fizaa Aa Gayii ...
.
.
Waah! Waah
.
.
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Phool Ko Khilne Se Pehle Bakri Kha Gayii .. !!

3) Aatma Chhod Gayii Shareer Puraana ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
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Aatma Chhod Gayii Shareer Puraana ...
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
.
Didi Tera Devar Deewana .. !!


4) Saap Ne Piya Bakri Ka Khoon ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
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Saap Ne Piya Bakri Ka Khoon ...
.
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Waah! Waah!
.
.
.
Good Afternoon! Good Afternoon! Good Afternoon!!


5) Yashomati Maiyya Se Bole Nandlala ...
.
.
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Yashomati Maiyya Se Bole Nandlala ...
.
.
.
.
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"Maa, Tata Sky Laga Daala To Life Jhingalala ..!!"


7) Hoton Pe "Haan" Hai ...
Dil Mein "Naa" Hain ...
.
.
.
.
Hoton Pe "Haan" Hai ...
Dil Mein "Naa" Hain ...
.
.
.
.
Shashi Kapoor Kehta Hai: "Mere Paas Maa Hai ..."


8)2 Cockroach Gaana Gaa Rahe Thhe : "Aashiq Banaaya
Aapne" ...
.
.
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Dono Marr Gaye ...
.
.
.
.
.
Because Gaana "HIT" Tha ...


9) Aapki Surat Mere Dil Mein Aise Bass Gayii Hai ...
.
.
Aapki Surat Mere Dil Mein Aise Bass Gayii Hai ...
.
.
.
Jaise Chhote Se Darwaaze Mein Bhens Phass Gayii Hai .. !!


10) Premika: "Aisa Khatt Likho Sajna, Ki Meri Umar Beet
Jaaye Padhne Mein ... "
.
.
.
Premi: "$@# % #$ @ $ %#$ &&*
!@#@ &&*( )(&% %#$% %#$%#$
!#@!# ?<>":::<< $%^$% %#%"
@#@#!! ?>#$%^> $#$%&<<
#%$%""}}+ !@??>": @@#$$$?:@
!@#@ &&*( )(&% %#$% %#$%#$
!#@!# ?<>":::<< $%^$% %#%"!!



Le Padh !!!"

[JindalGaurav]

1) Two friends meet.
'Friend 1'asks the other guy: How's your wife
'Friend 2' : Great. I gave her a white pearl necklace. Ans she hasn't spoke to me for a month
Friend 1: What. Why is that so?
Friend 2: That was the part of the deal... :) :D

2)Theorem: 3=4
Proof:
Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

3) Once I came upon this pretty new girl in our office standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face.
I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?"
I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder.
She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?"
She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"

4) Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.

5) Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!" :p

[Amit Kaushik]

Nurse : congrats sir, you are a father.

Sir : don't tell my wife, i want to surprise her!

_________________________________

Shortest love story

He : Will you marry me?

She : No

And he LIVED happily ever after.


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Film Director: U have to jump into a swimming pool from 100ft

Debut hero: But i dont know swimming sir?

Film Director: dont worry there is no water...!

Debut Hero: Then ok i am ready

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Customer : Waiter, do you serve pigs?

Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

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1st person : Hey do u know that girl who is going there is deaf ....

2nd person : Oh is it ???? how do u know ????

1st person : Yesterday i went and told her : I luv u and she replied by shoe size is 7

2nd person : How sad...she looks so beautiful but she is deaf....;): o: cool:

[CopyCat]

Teacher to a student: “Ess line ki english banao- Usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gaya.”
Student - He done his work and done-dana-dan done-dana-dan. :)

[Sandeep]

Sardarji Awesome Joke. YOU WILL SURELY LAUGH A LOT..:D

A Sardarji, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which
is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they are
all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

"It's my first wife's birthday today,and she has asked me to allow
each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: *"Please tie a pillow to my back."


This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to
be carried away bleeding and crying with *pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said
smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."


But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also
led away whimpering *loudly.


The Sardar ji was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the
Sheikh turned to him and said:

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is
one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardarji replied.


"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not *20, *but 100 lashes."


"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then *so be it.

"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.


Sardar ji smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!! :D ;)

[Hemant]

SARDARJI RETURNS

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more. ;)

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken..
Sardar: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.:p


At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup....

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child. :)

[CopyCat]

1. A Foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

6. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

7. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

[Malik]

A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot… The rabbit says “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!” The lion answers….. …..
“That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s high on cocaine!”

:) :D :o


A man stops to ask directions from a farmer sitting on his porch and is amazed to see a three-legged pig sitting at the farmer’s feet. “That’s a weird-looking pig,” the man says. The farmer is furious. “Don’t you ever say anything bad about this pig!” he says. “Just last week my wife and I were sleeping, and a fire broke out. This pig dragged us both to safety. Last month a robber broke into the house. The pig knocked him down, dialed 911 with his snout and sat on him until the police arrived. So don’t ever say anything bad about him.”
“I’m sorry,” the man says. “But what’s the deal with the three legs?”
“Mister,” the farmer says, “a pig like this you don’t eat all at once.”

[Malik]

Why*did Santa keep the door open while bathing?*
Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.
*
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .
*
Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...*
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.**:D

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .
*
Pappu while filling up a form: What should I write against mother tongue.?*
Santa: Very long...!* :rolleyes:

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .
*
Santa: I have swallowed a Key.*
Doctor: When?*
Santa: 3 months back!*
Doctor: What were you doing till now?*
Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have*lost* :cool:

[CopyCat]

प्रेमिका - ''प्रिये, अगर मैं तुम्हारे साथ शादी न करूं तो क्या तुम आत्महत्या कर लोगे ?''
प्रेमी - ''इसमें पूछने की क्या बात है ! मैं तो हमेशा यही करता हूं।''


एक महिला ज्योतिषी के पास अपना भविष्य जानने पहुंची।
ज्योतिषी : तीन माह बाद आपके पति का साया आपके सिर से उठ जाएगा।
महिला : लेकिन उन्हें मरे हुए चार वर्ष बीत चुके हैं।
ज्योतिषी : अच्छा, तो फिर आप पर आपके पिता की छत्रछाया नहीं रहेगी।
महिला : उन्हें गुजरे हुए भी कई साल बीत गए हैं।
ज्योतिषी : तब आप अपने बड़े भाई की छत्रछाया से वंचित हो जाएंगी।
महिला : लेकिन महाराज, मैं तो अपने मां-बाप की इकलौती संतान हूं।
ज्योतिषी : तो फिर आपका छाता जरूर खो जाएगा।



एक मशहूर समाचार पत्र में छपने वाले साप्ताहिक भविष्यफल की बानगी :
प्रथम सप्ताह - इस हफ्ते आपके जीवन में कोई अनोखी खुशी दस्तक देने वाली है। अचानक धनप्राप्ति के भी योग बन रहे हैं। पूरा सप्ताह मौजमस्ती में गुजरेगा। स्वास्थ्य उत्तम रहेगा।
द्वितीय सप्ताह - इस सप्ताह आप एक नई और अद्भुत शक्ति अपने भीतर महसूस करेंगे। वाणी पर नियंत्रण रखने से शत्रुपक्ष की पराजय सुनिश्चित है। प्रेम के मामले में भाग्यशाली रहेंगे।
तृतीय सप्ताह - रोमांस के लिए यह समय आपके लिए शुभ रहेगा। इस हफ्ते कोई सुंदरी आपके जीवन में प्रवेश करने वाली है। इस सुंदरी का सानिध्य आपके लिए सफलताओं के नए द्वार खोल सकता है।
चतुर्थ सप्ताह - इस समय आप स्वयं को ठगा-सा महसूस करेंगे। आपको अचानक आभास होगा कि कोई लगातार पिछले तीन सप्ताह से आपको बेवकूफ बना रहा है।



एक महिला ने अपनी सहेली को जानकारी दी कि वह चौथी बार शादी करने जा रही है।
''बधाई हो!'' सहेली ने खुशी प्रकट करते हुये कहा और पूछा - ''वैसे तुम्हारे पहले पति की मृत्यु कैसे हुई थी?''
''जहरीला खाना खाने से'' महिला ने उत्तर दिया।
''राम राम राम! बेचारा.....!'' सहेली ने अफसोस जाहिर करते हुये कहा ''और दूसरे पति की ?''
''जहरीला खाना खाने से''
''हे भगवान! दूसरे की मौत भी उसी तरह हुई! तीसरा भी शायद जहरीला खाना ............!''
''नहीं, नहीं ! तीसरे की मौत तो गर्दन टूटने से हुई।''
''गर्दन टूटने से?''
''हां! उसने जहरीला खाना खाने से इनकार जो कर दिया था।''

[Master]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".


The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.......*:eek:

[Expert]

1) Laloo enters a shop and shouts, “Where’s my free gift with this oil?”
Shopkeeper: “Iske Saath koi Gift nahin hai, Lalooji”
Laloo : Ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE “ ;)

2) A reporter asked Laloo “What is the main reason for divorce?”
Laloo replies “Marriage”.

3) Once Laloo was coming out of the Airport. As there was a Huge
rush, the security guard told Laloo “WAIT PLEASE”, for which Laloo
replied “85 Kgs” and moved on… :rolleyes:

4) Laloo’s family planning policy : DON’T HAVE MORE THAN TWO
CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR

5) At a bar in New York , the man to Laloo’s left tells the
bartender, “JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE.” And the man’s companion
says, “JACK DANIELS, SINGLE.” The bartender approaches Laloo and
asks, “AND U sir?” Laloo replies: “LALOO YADAV, MARRIED.” :D

[Lethal]

Old Fella: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Old Fella: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.
*


Old Fella: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Old Fella: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new
*

Old Fella: Miss, Did u call me on my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Old Fella: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- “1 Miss Call". :rolleyes:
*

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Old Fella: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.
*
Old Fella attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Old Fella: If U give me the address I will go there sir.
*
Old Fella in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Old Fella: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay" :o
*

Old Fella: Doctor! My Son swallowed a key
Doctor: When?
Old Fella: 3 Months Ago
Dr: Wat were u doing till now?
Old Fella: We were using duplicate key
Dr: So why did you come today?
Old Fella: We lost the duplicate key!!

[Kill_cat]

Interviewer:
what is your birth date?
Old Fella: 13th October
Which year?
Old Fella: Oye @#$ _ _ _ EVERY YEARl


**********************************

Manager asked to Old Fella at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 15 letters in it?
Old Fella replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.


********************************** :D



After returning back from a foreign trip, Old Fella asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Old Fella: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?


**********************************


One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Old Fella: Any great man born in this village???
Old Fella: no sir, only small Babies!!!


********************************** ;)

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Old Fella writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.


**********************************

When Old Fella was travelling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror.. Old Fella shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back... I will drive.


**********************************:cool:

Interviewer: just imagine you are in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Old Fella: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

[CONFUSED]

Boy to a Girl: Tu hi to jannat meri,Tu hi meraa junoon,
Or kuch naa jaanu main, Bas itnaaa hi jaanu,
tujhme rab dikhtaa hai, Yaaraa main kyaaa karoon????

Angry Girl responded: Mathaa Tek aur Daffaa ho jaaa.....:D

[CONFUSED]

Shadi k dusre din beti apni maa se boli- "Aaj meri unse ladai ho gayi..."
Maa- "Beta shadi k baad to jhagde hote rahte hain"
Beti- "Wo to thik hai par... ab 'LAASH' ka kya karun??" :eek:

[CONFUSED]

:eek:Luv and Kush are going to a village & in between comes a well. Luv
falls into the well. Why???
Because Luv (love) is blind !!!!!
Now , Kush also jumps inside. Why??
Because Luv ke liye saala kush bhi karega!!!! :o

================================

Question: What will u call a person who is leaving India??
Answer : Hindustan Lever (Leaver).

Question: What will u call a person who leaves India, but doesn't travel much??
Answer: Hindustan Lever Ltd (Limited).

================================

Q -Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha ?
Ans: Adidas.

============ ========= =========

An elephant was in love with a she-elephant. But
she-elephant went and got married to some other
elephant. So our elephant was very depressed One of
his friends felt sorry for him, and took him to a park
to cheer him up. In the park, they sat on a see-saw.
But...... the
see-saw broke. Now, which song would our hero
sing?????

See-saw ho ya dil ho, aakhir toot jaata hai!!!!!!!!!

============ ========= =========

Raavan felt repentence one day for all his bad
deeds. He felt that he had really done a lot of bad
things which affected Ram's life, so he should
apologise to Ram.
He went to Ram's house and knocked on the door. Ram
opened the door and was surprised to find Raavan.
Raavan also kept staring and thinking but didn't say a
word..... Why ... What was he thinking ?????
.
.
. Kis mooh se maafi maangoon ? !!!!!!

============ ========= =========

What is the height of technology ?????????
Ankhiyon se goli maare.....!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!

========================

There are 2 hair on a bald man's head. They fall in
love with each other and
want to get married but cannot get married due to some
difficulty.. . Whats the difficulty ?
.
.
.
Under Indian Laws "BAL VIVAH" is illegal..... !!!!!! :D

[CopyCat]

Khidki se dekha to ....... Raaste per koi nahi tha !!!!!
Khidki se dekha to .......Raaste per koi nahi tha !!!!!
Raaste per jake dekha to.....
.........................
Khidki per Koi nahi tha......! :EmoticonHysterical:

[Tushar]

:EmoticonHysterical:

http://www.policywala.com/picture.php?albumid=3&pictureid=5

[Lethal]

Johny Johny
Yes Papa
Pvt Company
Yes Papa
Any Motivation
No Papa
Many Tension
Yes Papa
Do u Sleep well
No Papa
Onsite Opportunity
No papa
Boss Ki Galiyan
Yes Papa

Increment?
Ha ha ha :EmoticonWink:

[Tushar]

Wife: Tum mujhe kitna pyar kerte ho?
Hubby: Shahjahan jitna.

Wife: Mere merne k bad Taj Mahal banaoge?
Hubby: Maine to plot bhi Le liya hai, delay tum ker rahi ho.
:D...lolz

[Tushar]

http://www.policywala.com/picture.php?albumid=3&pictureid=6

[ABCD]

Nice One - Tushar :mfr_lol:

[MTG]

What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi

**************

Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u'll die.
Santa: No, u'll die b'coz haven't u heard train is coming on platform.

[v.r.s.nathan]

Husband Aur Wife Hotel Me Gaye Tabhi 1 Lady Ne Hello Kiya,

Wife - Koun Thi Wo?
Hus -Tum Dimag Kharab Mat Karo, Main Pehle Hi Pareshan Hu Ki Woh Bhi Yehi Puchegi.

[mintz]

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new


Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White

[tigershark]

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Doctor: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Doctor: No, but the thought of long life will never come. :D

[Krypton]

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone. :EmoticonHysterical:

[Raghuraj]

Baniya: Yeh kela(banana) kaisay diya?
Shopkeeper: 1Rs.
Baniya: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
Baniya:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de :EmoticonLaugh:

Baniya ne jat ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.
jat ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.
jat ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,
Baniya ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar jat ne till waly laddu gift kiye,
Baniya:Ghusse se, mercedez kion nahi di?
jat:Munna…!! Ab hamarey ander bhi baniye ka khoon dor raha hay:) :EmoticonHysterical:

[Anurag_Bist]

Beti: Dad, muje jaldi badha hona hai
Dad: Beti, badhe hoke kya karogi...
Beti: Dad mein maa banungi, padhai kaungi, job karungi, shaadi karungi
Dad: Beti, sab kar, par inka sequence sahi rakhna :D

[Lethal]

Class picture
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Emily; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's David, he's a doctor.'"

Little Johnny, at the back of the room, rang out, "And there's the teacher... she's dead." :eek:

[PolicyWala]

Santa joins army, given AK 47. He has puzzld.
Asks Major, Sir, yeh bandook ki nalli samne rakhun ya ulta?
Major: kisi bhi taraf rakho, faida desh ka hi hoga. :eek:

[mintz]

A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, But nothing happened.
Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, India they decided to forward it to the Finance Minister of India as a joke.
The Finance Minister was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20.
The Finance Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid.
The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a thank you note to God,
which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Finance Minister in Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 in taxes..."

[Naresh]

This is a conversation that took place between a person (Y) in the public and a marketing guy (X).

X: Which shaving cream do you use?
Y: Baba's

X: Which aftershave do you use?
Y: Baba's

X: Which deodorant do you use?
Y: Baba's

X: Which toothpaste do you use?
Y: Baba's

X: Which shampoo do you use?
Y: Baba's

X: Which soap do you use?
Y: Baba's

X (Frustrated): Okay, tell me, What is this Baba? Is it an international company???
Y: No, He is my roommate.

[Gold]

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know....it"

[CONFUSED]

Jim´s barn burned down. Julie, his wife, called the insurance company and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
"Whoa there, just a minute, Julie, it doesn´t work like that. We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." the agent replied.
Julie, after a pause, said, "Well, in that case, I´d like to cancel the policy on my husband."

[Imran]

First line to write in exams:
“All the answers written below are imaginary and work of my creative mind.
Any resemblance to text book is unintentional and purely accidental”

[Imran]

An old man was invited by an old friend.
He was impressed by his buddy using Honey, Darling, Love etc. for his wife.
Before leaving he asked to his friend:
It’s sweet.
After 70 years u still call ur wife with such cute names.
The old man replied (whispering):
Her name had slipped off my mind 10 years ago & I am very scared to ask what it is. :p

[Lethal]

Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed! :rolleyes:

[Naresh]

Kalmadi: Where is SHERA
Shiela Dixit: I sent him to Zoo.

Kalmadi: Why
Shiela Dixit: He was injured by your False Ceiling. :rolleyes:

Kalmadi: Kabaddi Kabaddi Kabaddi :eek:
Shiela Dixit: Kabaddi Kabaddi Kabaddi :eek:

[Imran]

Child Sent to Bed
A small boy is sent to bed by his mother...
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a glass of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Mommm..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

[VarunD]

Smartest thing Santa ever did,
He changed all his passwords to 'incorrect'
So whenever he forgets, the computer will remind him,
Your password is 'incorrect'. ;)

[Vivek]

डॉक्टर (मरीज से)- तुम इस दुनिया में अब सिर्फ दो घंटे के मेहमान हो। क्या तुम मरने से पहले किसी को देखना चाहते हो?
मरीज (डॉक्टर से)- जी हां।
डॉक्टर- किसे?
मरीज- एक अच्छे डॉक्टर को।.....

[Minal]

In a factory A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly. CEO of that factory came and asked his salary. Man replied 5000 sir...... CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him "I pay people here to work and not to waste time. This is ur 3 months salary. Now get out of here. Never come back". That guy left. Then CEO asked workers "who was that guy?" workers replied "courier boy sir...........

" Moral: dont overact for every situation......... :EmoticonHysterical:

[Rajeev S]

राहुल गांधी:आपके पास कितने किलोमीटर खेती की जमीन है।
किसानः जमीन एकड़ों में या बीघा में नापी जाती है।
राहुल गांधी: आपकी भैस कितने मीटर दूध देती हैं।
किसानः साहब मीटर में नहीं लीटर में नापते है।
राहुलः अच्छा बताओं एक लीटर दूध कितने का बिक जाता है।
किसानः बीस रूपये का।
राहुलः जब दूध इतना सस्ता है तो फिर पेट्रोल क्यों नही बेचते ।

[Vivek]

rahul gandhi - mom, aapaki wajah se meri shaadi nahi ho paaa rahi
sonia gandhi - kyun beta ???????? ????????
rahul gandhi - har taraf to likha hai ki sonia ko bahumat do


Sharma and Verma were discussing
Sharma----- "if i drink coffee, i ca'nt sleep!!!!"
Verma ----- "with me it's the opposite.if i sleep i can't drink coffee."

[NewsDesk]

PASS ho to-
Maa: Bhagwan ki kripa hai
Papa: Beta Kiska Hai
Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hain !!

[NewsDesk]

पंडित जी ने दुल्हन से कहा: 'अपना दायां हाथ वर के हाथों पर रख कर कहो - मैं आज से आपकी पत्नी हूं। मैं आपकी हर इच्छा पूरी करने का प्रयत्न करूंगी, आपकी हर आज्ञा मानूंगी, दुख-सुख में आपका साथ दूंगी...।'
दुल्हन बोली: 'पंडित जी, क्या मैं आपको इतनी बेवकूफ नजर आती हूं?'

[NewsDesk]

एक दिन सोनिया गांधी के सपने में महात्मा गांधीजी आकर बोले,"मैने मरते समय कॉंग्रेस को सादगी, ईमानदारी, टोपी, चश्मा और डंडा दिया था, कहॉं है वो?"
सोनिया ने अत्यंत विनम्रता से कहा,"टोपी तो राहुल लोगोंको पहना रहा है. सादगी मेरे और प्रियंका के पास है. चश्मा मनमोहन के पास है. ईमानदारी स्विस और ईटली के बैंक में सेफ है और डंडा आम आदमी की सेवा में लगा रखा है |

[NewsDesk]

Once Kapil Sibbal, Digvijay Singh & Chidambaram were travelling in a helicopter,
Sibbal drops a 100 Rs Note & says, ..."I made one poor Indian happy"
Singh drops two 50 Rs Notes and says, "I made two poor Indians happy!"
Chiddu drops 100 ONE Rupee coins and says,"I made 100 poor indians happy!"
Hearing this the PILOT laughs & says-"I will drop down All 3 of you and make '125 CRORE Indians' Forever Happy...!"

[Madhura]

संता टीचर बन गया, उसने एग्जाम के लिए प्रश्नपत्र बनाया। पेपर देखते ही सारे बच्चे बेहोश हो गए। प्रश्न थे-
(1) चाइना किस देश में है।
(2) 15 अगस्त किस डेट को आता है।
(3) ग्रीन रंग किस कलर का होता है।
(4) टमाटर को हिंदी में क्या बोलते हैं।
(5) और मुमताज की कब्र में कौन दफन है?

[Raghuraj]

Teacher to Boy :
Kal absent kyon the tum ??
Boy : Ma'am, aap ke kehne par,
main
"The Dirty Picture" dekhne gaya
tha .. ....
Teacher : Kya ??
... Maine aisa kab kaha tumse???
Boy : Ma'am, aap hi ne toh kaha
tha na
.
.
.

ki
.
.

"VIDYA" me man lagao...

[Master]

A Girl in a book shop..

Girl: Do u have the book named"Girls are very Intelligent"?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Salesman:"The comedy section is on the Left side...

[NewsDesk]

एक डॉक्टर के क्लिनिक के बाहर मरीजों की भीड लगी थी!

जब कोई आदमी आगे जाता, उसे लोग पकड के पीछे खींच लेते, एक आदमी कई बार आगे जाने की कोशिश किया पर उसे भी लोगों ने पीछे खींच लिया!

5-6 बार पीछे खींचे जाने के बाद वो आदमी चिल्लाया...

सालों...लगे रहो लाईन में.....मै भी आज क्लिनिक नहीं खोलूँगा!

[Aman]

Teacher: 5 marks la kar b tum has rahe ho..
Student: ye soch kar has raha hu ki ye 5 mark b kaise aaye..!

[ReVoLuTiOn]

Baap Ne Apne Bete Ki Talashi Li,
Jaib Se , Cigrette, Gutka, Katrina
Kaif Ki Tasaweer Aur Girls K
Numbers Baramad Hoye
Baap Ne Bete Ko Buhat Mara Aor
Ghuse Me Cheekha:
"Kab Se Kar Rahay Ho Ye Sab
Kuch?
Beta Rotay Hoye: "Baba Main Ne
To Ap Ki Jacket Pehni Hui Hai..! :EmoticonCool:

[Master]

Marwadi on his death bed
Marwadi : ‘My dear wife, are you here?’

Wife : ‘Yes my dear, I am right here besides you’

Marwadi : ‘My dear Son Rinku, are you here?’

R?nku : ‘Yes papa, I am right here besides you’

Marwadi : ‘My dear daughter Pinky, are you here?’

Pinky : ‘Yes papa, I am right here besides you’

Marwadi : ‘My dear Brother Suraj Bhai, are you here?’

Suraj : ‘Yes Bhaiya, I am right here besides you’

Marwadi : ‘If everyone is here, then who the hell is at the shop?’